Sometimes I find myself repeating an old song quote, "I know she still loves me, but I don't think she likes me anymore." Oddly thats how I think my husband feels about me. I know he loves me. I know he's still in love with me, but like me? Well I'm really not sure. I think I feel like, I don't know, maybe he isn't sure what kind of woman he wants. I think he's torn between wanting me and wanting some kind of skank, and sometimes I think he would like some submissive little Filipino girl he can boss around the way his dad does with his mom.
Mostly I know the last one wouldn't work because the man can't even make his own dentist appointment. I think I'm hard to live with. I'm emotional, bi polar, bitchy, bossy, always hungry, always on a diet, sad, happy, confused, assertive, and loud. I mean, really whats not to like right? I'm married to a totally sane, quiet, normal man.
Often the demons in my head get me and I start thinking, he would be better off with out me. Because of me we are now filing bankruptcy on two houses, he lives in a town he hates, he can't drink every night because we have kids and sex can only happen when we get both kids to sleep and they aren't sleeping in our bed. My weight has made me go from a freak in bed to, an canwegetitoverwithandleavethelightsoff kinda girl.
I have a problem voicing how much I appreciate him, but when I write it he gets annoyed because I don't say it. It's safe to say we fight a lot now. It's odd, it's not fighting that would lead anywhere but to a silent night and morning, but none the less we are just fighting and it drives me fucking batty. Lately being in one of these downward places leaves me thinking, ehh we are already filing bankruptcy, moving out of our house and so on how much worse could divorce be right? The obnoxious part, is I don't want a divorce. Not at all. I would be that girl who pushed him into one only to freak out the day it was final and beg him to take me back. There are days when I want to say you go sleep in the other room, but I know damn well I can't fucking sleep with out him.
I hate the mental trips my mind puts me on. I should take medicine. Some day I will. Today is not the day though. I have reasons, good ones too. I always say, if we can stick it out long enough till I can take medicine then things will be magical.
Is that true? Who knows. He's still him, and I'm still me, I would just be me with a sugar coating.
Am I the only one who ever wonders, is love enough, do you need more and why don't marriage vows include the word LIKE. I mean shouldn't you like the person you married?
2 comments:
No matter who you are with you will at some point fall into the "I still love him/her, but is that enough" category. Couples dont do enough of the mainenance stuff. Think of all the things that you used to different the first two years you were together. Yes you may be more confined bc of the kids now, but I think you would agree that the effort was different. A lot of people dont think about it when you say vows but...it is reasonable to expect that all of us change through our lives...life just has that effect...when you vow, you vow to accept that pattern of change (as long as they are healthy)! I would say start some counseling. Blah blah blah...some people look down on this like it is a weakness...DONT LISTEN. Tune-up. Cars need it. Why dont our relationships.? Third party outside professional opinions can be great. Made a lifetime difference for me. It takes two to make and two to break it. Dont be hard on yourself Shan. XOXO.
Welcome to the building!
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