Ugly yell

I went into ugly yell with my son today. I don't know what my problem is. No, thats not true. I'm bipolar and depressed so obviously every now and then I'm going to TOTALLY LOSE MY FUCKING SHIT AND SCREAM. This morning was one of those mornings. I fucking lost it. I yelled and yelled and put him in time out all over milk. All because he wouldn't wait five fucking minutes for a cup of milk. No. He wanted to whine and whine and repeat NILK NILK NILK NOW MOMMY NILK NOW and for the love of fucking God I didn't want to get the Goddamn fucking milk NOW! So I just yelled and then put him in time out. And I would be lying if I said I didn't grab him by the arms and kind of forcefully plop him into time out. But Jesus people after 47 minutes of listening to him cry about Nilk with out just stopping to say please I was over it.

After spending 25 minutes listening to him cry over fucking toys last night I lost it. After being left alone night after night while my husband does softball or strokes his nuts or whatever the fuck it is men do, I lost it. I can't handle two kids alone when I'm down.

Work is a clusterfuck. I'm overwhelmed I'm sick of the fucking piles and I don't even know what fucking way is up. I know which way is down because I spend the entire day crashing farther and farther down.

Last night I wanted to hide in a fucking closet and cry. Honestly I just wanted to go for a run but I was at least sane enough to realize you can't leave your kids alone while you go running.

You know, I would never hurt my kids ever. I would never hit my kids every but fuck I can't even say that there aren't times when I don't visualize myself stuffing them in a box and mailing them to Alaska. And no I wouldn't even stamp the box Fragile.

I know I need to go on medicine but I can't right now. Soon. I talked to the doctor and I'm kind of excited. I hope it doesn't turn me into a shell of a person though. Whatever, anything to make me stop fucking yelling.